A guide on how to deal with stallers

If you have played at least 5 lichess games, the chance is you have met a staller. A staller is a person who stalls game instead of resigning on losing position. If not handled properly, the staller could waste anywhere between 0.5-30 minutes to satisfy their twisted brain. A proper strategy is needed to handle these [redacted] without losing your sanity.

Some people say "do not fight fire with fire", but I disagree with that. The soviets didn't win the war by sending hippies to the germans, they sent guns to fight guns.

Some people will also say to just report these [redacted] to lichess mods and move on. But the chance of them being punished is small. This is a call of arms! The mods cannot protect us from these stallers, they're everywhere and they outnumber mods by a lot. There is the need of a revolution. A revolution so big these [redacted] stallers won't dare to troll us ever again.

Know Your Enemy

Tsun Tzu said: "Know thy enemies". The Godfather said: "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer". In order to win this trolling battle, we must know how and why is our opponent acting that way. Fortunately for you, I have played the most toxic chess variants and know almost all the trolling tricks!

Why is our opponent acting that way?

Human is naturally competitive. Our great-great-great ancestors lived in the era of "eat or be eaten". This method is very effective at staying alive at that time, just like how it's demonstrated in the "To Save a Squirrel" episode. In lichess it's "(b)eat or be (b)eaten". Hah! get it?!

To be honest, I don't know why they did this. I'm not a psychologist, damn it.

How do stallers stall?

1. Waiting for the last second before moving, thus stalling your game but at the same time don't get punished by lichess system.
2. Making random moves in a long interval (eg every 1-5 minutes in classical), hoping that you don't pay attention to the game anymore.

How to Handle Stallers

Below of this writing is the manifestation of tears and sweat of my games. The very red book of how to deal with stallers. The tactics stallers could use is pale compared to the glorious anti-staller doctrine. This, is the key right here: how to handle these [redacted].

1. Wait until the last second before you mate them. This will create a psychological dilema in their head. They sometimes will think: "Goddamnit, lose again. At least I can waste this person's time.... wait, why aren't they moving? are they disconnected? are they stupid for not noticing mate in 1? are they trolling? why aren't they just end the game and stop WASTING MY TIME?", while wasting your time. Be careful though to not lose on time. Better be safe to mate them at 2-5 seconds instead of 1.

2. Add time to your oppoent. When your opponent is losing hard on time and material, give them time. Press that + button. This one is very effective. Since your opponent is moving so fast they dropping materials here and there. When that happen, add time, it's like telling them: "Here's more time to think about how bad your moves are". Don't overdo it though, because adding them 10 minutes will enable them to use their stalling tactics like I explained above.

3. Give materials to your opponent. This can only be done when they're at time pressure, ideally when they have only 5 seconds while you have 30 seconds (bullet variant). It's like telling them "Wow, you're so good I'm losing material here and there", while also winning the game. This is not very effective though because the opponent could sometimes believe they're indeed good instead of thinking you give them material.

4. Stall the mate until you have enough materials to cover the whole board. Ideally 6 rooks and 1 queen will do the job. Be careful to not stalemate your opponent. I know stalemate is a silly rule, but we cannot do anything about this rule as for now. Do it slowly and only if you have the time.

5. Trick 1-2-4 combined. Keep adding time to your opponent, while also promoting all of your pawns, and then wait until the last 5 second before you deliver mate in 1. The Fat Man and Little Boy are no match against this ultimate weapon. This bad boy is so toxic, it will make people forget chernobyl disaster existed.

These tricks will cause them to at worst feel (very) irritated and at best destroy their hardware in anger (therefore will not be able to play lichess again). You don't believe me when I say they destroy their computers? Search for "Chess rage compilation" video on youtube.